Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter Premium Organic Bespoke Hand Crafted Sh*tpost

Seenit!

Touch the dumpster fire! Touch it. You know you want to.

Group: Definitely Human

No filthy xenos here, just us completely normal humans.

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User PoofNoPlumage

Can you eat rocket candy? I kind of want to eat it. I really want to eat it.

User PommegraniteSparkle [Actual Human]

No! Why would you even think that?

User HumanJohnDoe

We do. It’s really good!

User Dumbledore’sBottomBitch

We do, too! It’s becoming a problem. Our stock keeps disappearing and people’s kitchens are catching on fire.

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User BipedsLookWeird

Why does everyone like open-bolt SMG's?

User HonestHumanShipTrader

They are cheap and easy, just like your maternal parent! (Am I doing this right?)

User CatHerder99 [Moderator]

Close enough! Good job!

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User RoundAndSexy

AR vs AK, which is better [removed by moderator]

Moderator note: Guys we have covered this. No! Bad users! Bad! Stop it.

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User MoreEyesAreBetter

Rule 34: W...T...F... Why, just why?

User FuzzyBunnyPMmeYourHumanPPPls

Oh, your poor inbox… Send me the good ones!

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User BigTittiedGothGF

TIFU by not keeping the reaction mixture cold.

Does anyone know a place where you can get quality prostheses made discreetly? Asking for a friend, a very stupid friend with no primary digits, and can’t go to the medical center for obvious reasons.

User DragonsForLife

PM me.

User GreyGhost

Or, if you want actual quality products that will pass for natural, PM us.

User DragonsForLife

Or if you want some badass chrome with upgrades, PM us.

User GreyGhost

Only if you want some claw that was fashioned from starship parts.

[Thread continues.]

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User OccasionalCriminal

Gutterplas vs TNT which is better?

User Iamnotafly

Def TNT if you can get it (or make it), but gutterplas is cheap and easy, you know, like your mom.

User Overki11z9090 [certified human]

Both are… alright… but check the tome of boom we Terrans have released. It’s much better than that porkie shit.

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

Oh, the tome is wonderful… if you have a robofac, a chem-matrix, and a full set of lab glass AND what is basically a chemistry degree in most Federation systems. If all you have is three two-liter plastic bottles and a mop bucket, then gutterplas is the safest bet. Yes, it is low yield as opposed to your nightmare fuel, but it is easy and cheap… Like your mom. It is also safe, something that your mother is not. She nasty!

User Overki11z9090 [certified human]

So what did your mom/grandma/ggrandma do during the Sol Wars, bitch?

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

[Removed]

[Mod note: Well, we did ask…]

User FluttershineBestPony1111stilltakenwtf

This is a human ‘colorful expression’ or cultural reference of which I am unaware, right?... Right? Please say it is.

User Overki11z9090 [certified human]

Nope.

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User InnocentLittleHarmlessFluff

Does anyone know where a human can get Z'uush sani-clear?

User DiggyDiggyHoleClasper

The new stuff or the old stuff?

User InnocentLittleHarmlessFluff

The new magic shit.

UserDiggyDiggyHoleClasper

Unless you are a Z’uush merc and one of the *right* mercs, forget it. Even we can’t get that stuff. Now the old formula is on the net if you know where to look. PM me if you don’t

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User SnuggleSmuggler

Human barbecue methods on animal proteins of other planets? Help pls.

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

Two rules: Low and Slow. Low temperature over a long period of time, preferably over a traditional fuel, but thermal elements can be used with no problem. You can also use thermal elements and then add a little natural fuel to scent/flavor the meat if that is a thing for your people.

This works on just about any meat… any meat 😉

User OGFisto [Confirmed OG]

Sounds delicious. Why don’t you come over here? We can have a cookout <>

User ScavverUwU [Scavver!]

Ooo! Can I come?

User OGFisto [Confirmed OG]

LMAO! You know what? If you are on Terra, I would love to have you and some of your scavver friends over for a cookout. PM me.

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User YouLookFunnyToUsAsWell

How do you get sardines on the other side of the blockade? They sound yummy.

User MistakesWereMade [Porkie Trash]

Actual Terran Oceanic Sardines? Good luck, and if you do find them, sell them to a porkie and retire! LOL. You used to be able to get some nice smoked fingertrout, a native Raylesh species that humans could eat. They are the closest to actual sardines, but they are, obviously, getting hard to get and something else that you can sell to porkies. The Flink have some lovely tinned proteins that are very sardine like as do the Bex. I recommend Bexian tu’kal. It’s pricy on the grey market, but it’s actual meat.

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User SmexyFlumph

PSA Bixburgers are disgusting!

I was so excited when I got to Sol to try the Bixburger of story and song. I literally flumphed at a full flump to the closest kiosk and was literally trembling with excitement as I made my order for a real honest to creator’s grace Bixburger…

…Prepared for heaven itself, I was as I reverently lowered it into my crop whole and pristine.

As I rolled my gemstones against that “delicacy,” I knew I had erred. Oh, why didn’t I try a small portion first?

It was as if my long-deceased great-great-great-grandfather committed a greasy and foul indiscretion, not only violating my mouth but my very soul.

It was… Indescribably bad. My race has no word foul enough to convey the disgust, so I will fall back upon a language we all share. It was fucking disgusting.

Needless to say, I disgorged it, along with some very nice gems all over the starport plating. Fortunately, some very kind humans helped me retrieve my stones, some of which have very real sentimental value. Their kindness was as warm as their food is foul.

I suffered no ill effects. That is to say, I did not require medical treatment. But I can still taste it. I fear that the taste and odor will haunt me until the end of my life and perhaps follow me to the next.

I know we are “all humans” here, but if you are a Mu-Sera(vt), do NOT partake of the Bixburger, no matter how delicious (and widely digestible) it is reported to be.

Not unless the thought of a long-departed ancestor rising from the grave and fertilizing your mouth appeals.

User HarpyBritches [Certified Human]

Thank God I was already on the toilet because I pissed myself laughing.

User YabaDabaDon’t [Certified Human]

Titan Orbital? I saw something weird shoot a whole bag of marbles across the floor.

User SmexyFlumph

Yes, to my eternal shame, that was me. Were you one of the kind souls that helped me retrieve my gemstones?

User YabaDabaDon’t [Certified Human]

There was already a crowd. More hands would not have helped, and five people were already getting you water.

BTW I’m feeling you, dude. Food scanners will only tell you if it will poison you, but they will lie about the taste. I had a very similar experience involving Gertal pepper stew. I think your deceased forebearer paid me a visit, too. What is it with your forebearers and mouths, anyway?

User SmexyFlumph

It may get me banned from the holy catacombs, but I fully intend to demand an answer to that very question!

User MethaneSoup

Smexy, you still on Titan1?

User SmexyFlumph

Sadly, no, we are already en route to Koh-Rashal. I was in Blessed Sol only long enough to spill my stones and load a tanker full of your namesake. I was so ill that I couldn’t even go to a Terran firearms boutique. (But I will be heading back through in a few months. I’m going to get a classic revolver chambered in .45 long colt!)

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User FlatwormsAreSexy

Hello fellow humans! Looking for advice on adapting surplus AK's for my nonhuman friends, especially ones with tentacles.

User BaskInHerDivinePresenceBask

Big beautiful meaty real tentacles or those wibbly little tendrils?

User FlatwormsAreSexy

Both. My “friends” have little tendrils extending from large flexible “limbs”.

User BaskInHerDivinePresenceBask

If the main tentacle is the one taking the recoil, then perhaps looking at Imperial-designed firearms may be of help. I won’t mention the gun that shall not be named in this forum (Rule 8), but it was designed to be both easily adapted to other races AND was originally designed to be used by a properly designed lifeform.

[Mod warning: Hey, asshole, calling the Harbinger “Rule 8” is exactly the same thing as using the actual name. Besides, you can mention the Harbinger if it is a valid solution, like for a tentacled friend, and aren’t just picking a fight… asshole.]

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User FappingWithFriends

Rule 34 request. Details in post. [NSFW, NSFL]

[Mod Comment: Jesus has left the building. You are *foul*. (PM me the results)]

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User LeafEatingFormerAborealBiped

Buying Crypto with Federation credits HELP!

User NotALoanShark

Perhaps I can be of assistance. PM me at your earliest convenience.

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User ItsJustForResearchIPromis

Molotov cocktails. What is gasolene, and where do I get some?

User OGFisto[Confirmed OG]

Reading the Porkie Tablet, huh? Both gasoline and diesel were once very common petrochemical fuels used in internal combustion engines from the nineteenth to twenty first centuries. (Don’t hold me to the start date.) They used to be widely available, even in areas that were tightly controlled/occupied. This made them ideal for improvised weapons. Now, you may be able to find a suitable lubricant that could be thinned to create something similar, but unless you have a ready supply of source material, likely much more trouble than it’s worth.

User ItsJustForResearchIPromis

Aww, too bad. ☹ It sounded fun. Oh well.

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User WeHangByOurPeens

Help! How do I find lead?

User ProfDirt [Confirmed Human]

That’s a tricky one. It is rarely used in modern electronics or industry due to its toxicity. Without knowing details about your planet you may not wish to share, I can offer little advice aside from looking at old pre-contact items. You might get lucky. While there is some similarity between all planets, each has a different enough geology that it makes specific advice impossible. I recommend hitting the history books. Lead tends to be used very early on in most technology trees. I bet you guys used to mine and refine it. There are likely even abandoned mines with ore still in them.

Good hunting!

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User ImConfus

Rill rifle technology vs Terran?

Hey fellow humans. I’m seeing a lot of Rill based firearms showing up on the black and grey markets as well as Rill designs AND jailbreaked autofac templates floating around.

Are they any good and if so, are they a good alternative to Terran based designs?

[Moderator comment: Oh this gonna get good… OP, you have no idea what you have started. Your inbox is fuuuuuked!]

15k comments [click to view]

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User ImaboutToGoCrazy

Making minifac. Help pls. My brains hurt.

User GrumpyOldC00t [Confirmed Human]

Step one. RTFM. Step two. Repeat step one.

User TooManyLegsNotEnoughFeet

Grumpy! You’re back! Is your butt feeling better?

User GrumpyOldC00t

It. Was. My. Hip!

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User IGuessImaCaveSophont

MFW I found out that thin polymer elastomers can prevent both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Who knew? I shall now leave Seenit forever because my entire planet and I suddenly have something much better to do with our spare time. Later. Peace.

User DipsyDoodlePoot

Is… Is someone from here actually getting laid?!?

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User IamNotACrab!

Showerthought: If everyone copies hypersapce tech, who cam upw with it in the first place?

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

I’ve wondered the same thing. Oh, BTW you are totally a crab.

User IamNotACrab!

We are completely different lifeforms with completely different morphologies! Stupid human being stupid.

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

I stand corrected. Sorry about that… pinchy claws.

OGFisto [Certified OG]

Gutter, do you have anything better to do than troll our board?

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

Actually, I don’t. I’m just sitting on my ass in a hot zone, waiting to die. I figured I would spend my final days pissing you fuckers off one last time.

OGFisto [Certified OG]

Oh… Shit… Ahem… Well, I still hate your guts, and I’m happy you are dying, you porkie bitch! I just wish I was there to put you out of your misery.

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

Right back at you, Terran Scum. 😊 Don’t worry about putting me out of my misery, though. I have one final raid in me. Gonna be spicy… provided I live long enough.

OGFisto [Confirmed OG]

Give them hell… then please die. 😊

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User WaterBug4Lyf

TIFU by trying real coffee.

I didn’t think that a mild alkaloid would hit that hard. I finally crashed after two days, and woke up in the BRIG. My captain thought I was on something restricted. When he found out that I simply had to try a latte, just like in the holos, he managed to do something I had never seen before. He managed to both laugh at and yell at me simultaneously. Two weeks of extra duties AND three days of what can only be described as “intestinal irritation” followed. I’m quite peeved. The species guide listed caffeine and coffee as “caution and moderation recommended” and not “this will ruin your whole week and jeopardize your career.”

Edit: I’m an idiot. I reviewed the species guide, and the recommended serving size for my species is in millivolumes, not decivolumes, and certainly not “ounces”. FML… FMF’nL…

Edit Two: Great. I was just informed that I get to make a “safety briefing”. This is where I get up in front of the entire f’ing crew and tell everyone what I did. It would be humiliating (as intended), but since everyone already knows (trust me), I’m not overly concerned.

Edit Three: At the urging of some truly irresponsible people here, I carefully measured out and consumed the appropriate amount of coffee…

Where has this been all my life? I’m going to get coffee seeds! I hope it can grow back home (or at least in a hydro rig). Humans live on coffee, right, and they are bio-wizards. I bet they have a variety that can be grown in a ship’s hydroponics bay. I just know it!

User VerifiedBioApotheosis [Corporation]

You would be correct. While native coffee wouldn’t be the best fit for a ship’s hydroponics bay, we and two of our competitors offer genetically modified varieties that are ideal for “upside down” horticulture and at there are also varieties that thrive in flooded pools. Please visit our website for details. We at BioApotheosis are dedicated to getting coffee to anybeing that requires it!