Pay With Your Heart

Chapter 418: Broken.

Eun-sun was stunned beyond words after listening to Ni-Na’s narration, most especially the latter words she had just said.

Her eyes tried not to blink, but once and again, she did as she was struck with utter disbelief. Those were the last things she had expected to hear from all this, that she had somehow affected In-Ha and in such a way?

How? How was that even possible?

Eun-sun shook her head in denial as she firmly held the towel loosely wrapped around her and sat upright.

She peered at Ni-Na, who sat on her table and looked at her.

“Are you saying that I might have affected In-Ha in...in-” She stuttered and shook her head again. “That I might have hurt him like everyone else? That I might have taken his feelings for granted?” She asked even though she didn’t think she wanted the answers to these questions as her heart was already thumping hard against her chest in fear of what those answers might be.

Eun-Sun had no idea his feelings for her weren’t just trivial. She didn’t know they far exceeded physical attraction as she had thought they were – not that she was anything to be physically attracted to in the first place. She wasn’t a drop-dead beauty like Choi Mi-Ok, Kwon-Nara, or even Ni-Na, but she had thought it was probably just infatuation, and she had thought he’d get over it soon because that was the personality she thought he had.

.....

Her first impression of In-Ha had been that of a lecherous pervert. His persistent flirting had earned him a flip or two in the past, but he had slowly changed his attitude towards her, and they had become great friends, at least they were, till he kissed her and made his feelings known to her, and that had complicated everything.

She thought things were going to revert back to normal, but it seemed she was wrong. She was very wrong.

Ni-Na observed the worry in her eyes and feared Eun-sun might be overthinking things. She slid off the massage table and joined Eun-sun on hers, taking a seat at her side.

“Of course not, sis,” Ni-Na replied to her question as she wondered why she had even shared that thought. She placed her hand on Eun-sun’s hand and slightly pressed against it.

“You didn’t hurt In-Ha, Noona. Not like any of them. And you aren’t the reason for him reverting back to his old ways.” She told her. “If it’s anything at all, you’ve shown that he might not be completely lost. Your presence in his life and his reaction towards you have proven that there might still be hope for him. That maybe he can get over his hurt and love again. After all, that’s what we’ve all been praying for.”

“But...” Eun-sun slurred. She wanted to say something but didn’t know what to say.

There were so many complex feelings currently twirling inside of her. She felt helpless and sad because, once again, she had been selfish with someone who genuinely cared for her.

She had only thought about herself and what felt right for her, not how he felt, and that was exactly how she had acted with Dan-Han.

She didn’t even know the person she called her friend. She was always so absorbed in her own pains and regret of being with the wrong people for so many years that she forgot to let herself know and feel the people who mattered now, even be the best for them.

Eun-sun felt a tear roll down her eye.

She couldn’t believe In-Ha had such scars and past. It was almost unbelievable because In-Ha had never for once shown he had lived such a life. For someone who has been broken far worse than she ever has, he lived life more than she had ever lived.

She had been scared of his feelings for her not because they would complicate their friendship which was very valuable to her, as well as his with Dan-Han, but because she didn’t want to lose yet another person from her life.

She remembered when Dan-Han had called her selfish. Eun-sun scoffed amidst her tears. Maybe she was indeed.

She had shown no interest in knowing exactly how he felt, but rather she wanted him to accept her decision of just keeping him close and accepting the role she had selfishly designed for him without thinking how hard it would be on him.

“Oh my God,” She gasped out as she buried her face in her palms. “I’m such a bad and selfish person, Ni-Na.” She cried out as her shoulders slightly trembled. “I didn’t know it was this way. I swear I didn’t know.” If she had known, she would have done better.

She didn’t know what better was, but she would have tried. She couldn’t accept his feelings or reciprocate them, but she would have known what to do, had she been a good friend.

“I really am a selfish person.” She sobbed out again.

“Hey, that’s not true.” Ni-Na softly chided as she put her arm around Eun-sun, who kept shaking her head.

“You don’t understand,” Eun-sun told her amidst tears as she raised her tear-glazed eyes to her. “I don’t think I treated In-Ha right. I don’t think I-”

“You’re right I don’t understand what you mean, but I do know something, and that is, you shouldn’t be crying.”

“No, I should!” Eun-Sun stubbornly declared. “He was my friend, but I didn’t get to know him. I didn’t get to know a thing about him or why he acts the way he does.”

“I guess you were wrong for not TRYING to know someone you called a friend, and I guess you should feel bad for that, but let me ask you. Does In-Ha know who you are? Like who you truly are?” She asked, stressing on every note of her last question while Eun-sun paused her tears as she turned to look at her. Her breath hitched in an attempt to calm herself.

“Does In-Ha know something as intimate and personal about you as you now know about him?” Ni-Na asked yet again, leaving Eun-sun to quickly ponder about it.

“Exactly what I thought,” Ni-Na said when she observed her countenance.

She stretched out her hand and gently wiped Eun-sun’s tear-stained face. “In-Ha’s story is sad, and he is broken, and pardon me if I say, you seem like a broken person too, and I guess it’s your past or something, I don’t really know.” She shook her head and shrugged.

“The thing is, people with not-so-pleasant past don’t keep that part of themselves out in the open because they can’t. They don’t keep their wounds out for people to see or poke at, nor do they try to deal with those broken parts. They find their ways around it, just like In-Ha has done with you, and you’re doing to yourself right now by feeling small of yourself.” She paused and sighed.

“I don’t know if it’s a thing of bruised self-esteem or intrapersonal guilt you’ve carried over time, but there’s something in there.” She tipped her chin towards Eun-sun’s heart, making Eun-Sun lower her eyes to it.

“I-” Eun-sun’s lips motioned to say something, but there was nothing to come out from them.

Ni-Na sighed as she fixed the towel wrapped around Eun-sun’s head from falling before looking at her face again.

“And about your friendship with In-Ha, I want you to know it’s okay not to know enough because you can never know enough about anybody or even yourself.”

“The reins of friendship always start with a very thin thread. The time, effort, mistakes made and learned, and the value placed on what you have makes the rein go thick and long, and every day it gets thicker and longer because we keep discovering facts every day. So you’re not that bad; you’re just a broken girl who’s trying to be human in a broken world.”

After hearing all Ni-Na had said, Eun-sun didn’t know what to feel or say. Her eyes burned even more as more tears pooled into her eyes.

“Oh Ni-Na,” She cried as she pulled her in and hugged her. “You make me feel like-”

“Like an angel?” Ni-Na cut in, but Eun-sun shook her head. She didn’t feel like she was anything of such. She felt nothing close to that.

“I’ll never be that,” Eun-sun said against her shoulder, but Ni-Na quickly pulled her away. Her hands framed her face on both sides.

“Do not see yourself short of an angel, Eun-sun.” She said, calling her by her name for the first time. “You’re the best you in the world.”

“I’m not so sure. I’m so broken like you said, and I wonder if I can ever be worth anything to anybody.”

“Of course, you’re worth everything to my brother, and you worth a lot to my family, and to In-Ha and to me. You might be broken, but even though broken vessels aren’t perfect enough to make it to the king’s table, they get to water the plants and create beautiful gardens. And that’s all that matters, impact. Impact to those around us, to ourselves, and to those who will impact us in return.”

“You’ve done so with In-Ha, and believe me when I say so. His feelings for you might not be appropriate, but they aren’t a mistake. You’re not obligated to cater to them because you know why?” She asked, and Eun-sun shook her head.

“Because it’s not your fault you’re just so lovable. Sister-in-law, people come to your life for either of three things; for a reason, for a season, or to spend forever. And for you and In-Ha, I believe we both know what it is. Not all feelings must be reciprocated. Some are there to help us heal and take us to another phase, and I believe that’s your assignment in In-Ha’s life.”