Husband of the Goblin Tribe

[v2] Chapter Thirty-four – In which we meet Chanterelle, a big-lazy little-lady mushroom-goblin.

~~** Interlude | Chanterelle **~~

This is the life…

My name is Chanty and I live in a cave-hole with a goblin called Truffle and a goblin called Ivory. I am surrounded by mushrooms and bones. While I don’t mind the bones, I can’t help but be fascinated by the mushrooms. There’s also a goblin called Husband who is very nice to me. He lets me sit on his lap and he holds tasty mushrooms up to my mouth so I can be lazy and eat them.

I also have some big-sister goblins. Button who loves mushrooms just like Truffle, Husband, and me. Ebony who only likes mushrooms a lot, and her friends Bitey and Beastie who can’t eat mushrooms at all but are also nice to me. Bitey will even bring me mushrooms if I ask nicely. So, Bitey is definitely a mushroom bone-spider and can be trusted completely. I’m sure of it.

One of my favorite things to do is talk to the mushrooms.

They know a lot of things.

Some of them say they are safe to eat, others say they are not. All of them love Truffle very much. Some of them even like Husband, which is good. Husband is an interesting goblin. He has a mushroom growing on his body between his legs. I asked the other mushrooms about it, but they say that Husband’s mushroom is different from them.

I’ve seen Ivory and Button and even Truffle lick his mushroom and have him stick it inside of them when they thought I was asleep. I wasn’t asleep, I was just being lazy and thinking about mushrooms. Was his mushroom tasty? They don’t seem to want to eat it, only lick it or have him rub it on their body. I tried sticking a mushroom between my legs so I could be like Husband, but it keeps falling off.

I guess it really is a different kind of mushroom.

I don’t know everything about mushrooms yet, even though Truffle says one day I will.

I live in a big cave called Goblin-home.

There are many many other goblins who live here. All of them seem to be very busy, always coming and going. Of course, there are times when they are lazy, too. Lots of goblins stop into our cave-hole and ask Ivory for things made out of bones, or to ask Truffle for tasty mushrooms, or her specialty—color-spin-think powder, which is also made from the mushrooms that warned me not to eat them.

Color-spin-think powder is different, though. It can be sniffed or eaten, but only in small amounts. Then it’s best to be lazy afterwards. But it’s important to go piss first, otherwise when being lazy…

Well, accidents happen.

Husband comes to visit and take me to his cave-hole for a little while every day. There’s this really big wet thing in there called a bath and it’s fun to splash the water inside of it. Button once showed me something she called the swirly-whirly and I had fun splashing it when she made it with her finger.

I love it when Button and Ebony come to visit and play with me.

I also have two other big-sister goblins who come to play with me as well.

One is Primmy, the other is Sewwy.

There are a lot of games to play in Husband’s cave-hole. Games like Checkers and Four-color and a picture game and another with long rectangles that get pulled out and put on top until it all crashes down!

Primmy likes things that go crash and boom. Sewwy likes using something called magic to do everything.

Both Primmy and Sewwy like to bite Husband’s hand whenever they get the chance. I tried biting him too, but he doesn’t taste like a mushroom like I expected him to. But he is still tasty! Super tasty, in fact!

In our cave-hole, there’s a very special mushroom growing in it.

Truffle says she’s been feeding it something called big-seed that she gets from Husband. I don’t know what it is exactly, but it is sticky and white. The mushroom that eats it is really really smart. It knows way more than any of the other mushrooms. It’s also in a special place up high that I can’t reach.

One day when Truffle was asleep, Sewwy came to visit since she lives close by.

The special mushroom said something good would happen if I took a bite out of it.

But since I couldn’t get to it, I asked Sewwy if she could use her magic to float it down to me so I could take a bite.

Sewwy doesn’t mind mushrooms, but she wasn’t all that interested in eating it with me. She still floated it down for me and being careful, I took a small bite out of it so it wasn't too noticeable. I asked Sewwy if she could float it back up and turn it around so that Truffle wouldn’t notice the place where I took a bite out of it. Sewwy had no trouble doing so, and afterwards we went to play on the swings outside.

I’m still a small goblin, and so is Sewwy. We’re not allowed to walk all of Goblinhome yet unless there’s a bigger goblin with us. Primmy can though, so she takes us places! Like outside!

Beastie is good friends with Primmy, so she’ll push us on the swings sometimes, even though she’s made of bones and doesn’t talk. Well, Bitey doesn’t talk either, but that doesn’t bother me. Bitey is really nice! Sometimes Bitey will crawl up my body and sit on my head and swing with me!

Ebony is also friends with a big blue goblin called Orga. She’s in charge of the big black furry things that Ebony likes to play with. I think they’re called Black-claws? I find them a bit scary though.

Sewwy and Primmy aren’t afraid of them. They even got to ride on the backs of the two bigger ones. I tried feeding a mushroom I brought with me to the littler ones, but they didn’t want to eat it. Truffle taught me not to trust things that don’t like mushrooms. I felt bad because the little ones aren’t too scary… but I agree with Truffle.

While my big-sisters Primmy and Sewwy like to go into the forest to hunt… I don’t really want to because that seems like a lot of work and I’d rather be lazy. Mushrooms do just fine being lazy, and I sometimes think I have more in common with mushrooms than with goblins.

There’s also another big-sister of mine called Lumi who I see sometimes when I go outside.

She spends a lot of time in a small cave-hole on the other side of the playground and inside of it there are lots of wooden benches to sit on and two big statues. One is called Elara and she’s supposed to be super strong! The other is a strange looking one called the Creator, and they are supposed to be the one who made our tribe, the Bloodmaw.

Since the little Black-claws didn’t want to eat the mushroom I tried to give them, I broke it in half and put half in front of each of the statues.

I figured they both liked mushrooms, because Elara looked strong, and I know my big-sister Button who likes mushroom is also super strong, so Elara must definitely like mushrooms. As for the other one, if they made the Bloodmaw, then they made Truffle, and that means they have to like mushrooms! Why would someone make a mushroom goblin but not like mushrooms?

While watching the statues who weren’t moving to eat the mushrooms, Lumi opened the door and began talking to Husband who was just outside.

While I was sitting down and looking at the statues, wondering when they were going to eat them, I saw that both halves of the mushroom began to glow and then disappeared!

It reminded me of Sewwy’s magic, so I figured they used magic to eat them. Seemed like a perfectly lazy way to do it, too!

Feeling good that they got to eat Truffle’s yummy mushrooms, I went outside to see Husband, who was happy to pick me up and let me ride on his shoulders. It would have been more fun if Bitey was riding on his head so we could have fun together, but I wasn’t too disappointed.

Big-sister Lumi also likes biting Husband as well.

I don’t know if she likes mushrooms though… I hope she does.

It’s not good to not like mushrooms.

Husband took me back into Goblinhome to one of my favorite cave-holes. There’s another of my big-sister goblins in there. Well, sometimes two of them. Big-sisters Melon and Reeny!

Melon is definitely a good goblin because she makes something super tasty to eat called Mushroom Stew! It’s got meat and mushrooms. I mean, what kind of genius is she to come up with something like that!?

And Figurine is amazing because she sings me the mushroom song!

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Black-claw Black-claw!

A-mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Black-claw Black-claw!

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Black-Black-claw!

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom Mushroom

Ah! A GUU’Z! A GUU’Z!

GUU’Z a GUUUU’Z OOOOH It’s a GUU’Z!!!

Gweeheehee~

I love that song so much!

I haven’t met GUU’Z yet. But I heard from Truffle that even Prima and Sewwy’s big-sister Deena can’t beat it in a fight. I wonder if Button could? Button knows something called the Mushroom Fist. She used it to punch a many-spots to death with one punch! Even broke its whole mouth full of teeth and gave them to Husband as a… what was it called again… a tribute?

Something like that.

Button also told me Husband was tricky sometimes.

I didn’t think so until I saw what Melon brought him to eat.

While I had a bowl of mushroom stew… he had a triple-decker hamburger with mushrooms in some kind of brown mud on top!

“Husband twicky!” I said, pointing at him.

“Nope. Husband not do this with Chanterelle. Husband not tricky. Husband smart. Chanterelle not think Husband share tasty mushrooms with her? Husband get taste Chanterelle mushroom soup. Let Chanterelle taste Husband mushroom burger. Big-smart, yes?”

My mouth dropped wide open.

Gwowowowoh! Husband is really really smart!

While Husband used the food-eating things called a fork and a knife to cut the big mushroom burger into smaller pieces for us to share, I tried using the spoony thing to feed Husband. I spilled a little on him trying to fit it in his small mouth but he didn’t get upset.

Husband is nice. He doesn’t spank at all.

Ivory spanks… or so I’m told.

She hasn’t spanked me yet, though.

Sewwy said that Deena spanked her when she first used magic. She cried a lot. Said it wasn’t fun at all to get spanked.

I hope I don’t get spanked.

I heard it from the mushrooms in Truffle’s room that Melon has a strong-one inside of her belly. She didn’t eat it, so I don’t know how it got there, but it’s not a mushroom goblin like Truffle, Husband, Button, or me.

Will it also be a big-fat goblin like big-sister Melon is when it comes into the world?

Melon and Figurine keep talking about wanting Husband to spend the night with them in Figurine’s cave-hole. I don’t know where exactly that is, but it’s near Old One’s room.

Old One is kind of mean. She calls me a lazy goblin just like Truffle. Says I should be more like Button, but I’m fine just being Chanty.

After eating a whole bunch, Husband took me to the shit-pit and then brought me back to Truffle’s room. That’s a good thing, because I was ready to be lazy after playing and eating.

Husband woke Truffle up and she let me drink some milkies for a little bit and then we both went to sleep.

I had a good dream.

Just like Sewwy and Ebony, I could use magic too, but it was mushroom magic!

I woke up when Truffle shook me.

When I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by lots and lots of mushrooms!

“Chanterelle. What you do?”

I don’t know what I did. What did I do?

Truffle began to pick up some of the mushrooms and stepped out of the small cave-hole we slept in. She then yelled really loudly once she did.

“WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF TRUFFLES MUSHROOMS!?”

I got up and stepped out too, only to see all of her mushrooms missing from the dirt shelves.

I suddenly felt a lot of voices in my head all at once, asking me if I was in trouble.

But I don’t think I was…?

Truffle turned back to look at me, and then looked down.

I looked down too.

All around me, mushrooms were wiggle-walking, surrounding me.

Ivory came over from her cave-hole and saw what was going on. Then she laughed.

She laughed and laughed and I thought she was crazy from how much she laughed.

“Stop laughing, Ivory!”

“No! Too funny! How it feel to have strong-one who mushrooms love more than Truffle?”

Truffle sat down and looked really sad.

“Mushrooms love Chanterelle more than Truffle?”

All of the mushrooms slowly wiggle-walked over to Truffle and surrounded her.

I could hear them all saying that they loved her very much.

Truffle rubbed the tops of many of them and scooped a few of them up.

“Oh… this nice. Not bad thing. Truffle not mad mushrooms love Chanterelle. So long as mushrooms know Truffle love mushrooms many many.”

After a while, the mushrooms walked back to the dirt, but some of them needed help from Truffle to get back to the high places they used to be. Only one mushroom didn’t move.

The special mushroom.

Truffle looked at it for a moment and saw the place that had a small bite taken out of it.

“Chanterelle. No lie to Truffle. You eat this one?”

I nodded.

“Small bite.”

“Hmm. Only that mushroom not try go back. Truffle take great care to grow that mushroom special.”

Truffle picked it up and inspected it for a while.

“Okay. Truffle understand.”

She handed me the mushroom.

“This mushroom same as Bitey. Job Chanterelle take good care of it. Not eat this one anymore.”

The big mushroom agreed to what Truffle said.

I was kind of sad since it was tasty, but I also now have a new friend!

Though… I couldn’t think of a name for it just yet, and I was still tired. I went back to sleep while Truffle stayed awake… probably to take care of the mushrooms since she felt better knowing they loved her very much.

When I woke up again, the special mushroom had grown bigger. Way bigger!

It also had eyes and a mouth on the stalk.

Husband was also in our cave-hole now for some reason and he was poking the special mushroom while Truffle watched with interest.

“This one Kino.” He said.

“Kino?” I asked.

“Mm. Thought first might be Take, but now sure definitely Kino.”

“Kino hear? Name Kino!” I told Kino.

Kino wobbled around in a circle happily, accidentally falling once but getting up quickly.

“Truffle. Husband think maybe not good idea use color-spin-think powder when have strong-one inside now on.”

“No. Truffle use now, every time. Button special, Chanterelle special. Good idea use color-spin-think powder. Keep have special goblins.”

Husband only shook his head.

“Whatever say. Husband only mushroom-Husband. Truffle one who make mushroom-goblins.”

Truffle sat in Husband’s lap and offered him a mushroom to eat.

“Husband help make.”

Husband ate half and put the other half in Truffle’s mouth, then they hugged for a long time.

After that, Husband took me to meet with my big sisters again. And I got to introduce them to Kino!

But Kino is special, so I had to tell them not to eat Kino.

When we went outside, Kino wanted to go see the field where big-sister Mint is always standing at.

When Mint saw Kino, she completely freaked out.

“What Myconid Emperor doing here!? Why outside of bottom floor Navara Deep Dungeon!?!?!”

I ran over to where Kino was and patted Kino’s pretty cap.

“Big-sister Mint! This Kino! Chanty friend.”

Big-sister Mint froze.

“It’s… your friend?”

Kino danced around Mint in a circle.

“Big-sister Mint like mushrooms?”

“Sure… but… that mushroom… ah… you’re... sure... it’s a… friend?”

“Yeah! Kino friend!”

“Kino?”

“Husband give name.”

“Of course he did…”

Kino urged me to dance, and we both began doing the mushroom dance together.

“Haaah… Why Mint ever think it good idea do last bloodmaw quest…?”

Mint sat down and watched as Kino walked into the field. Then Kino’s cap spread open wide and lots of spores came out and landed on the dirt. Mint quickly got onto her knees and stared at something, moving her hands in front of her body really quickly in a strange way.

“No… way… it… unlocked!?”

I had no idea what Mint was talking about.

“Chanterelle… what is your mushroom… doing?”

After making spores, Kino was feeling lazy.

“Be lazy.”

“Ah…”

“Big-sis Mint. Want push Chanty on swings?”

Mint stared at Kino and then me and then Kino and then me again.

“World boss show up. Take spore shit on field next to Goblinhome. Yx even care anymore? Haaah… why Mint not hit log out button when have chance?”

I have no idea what she was talking about.

Either way she took my hand, bringing me over to the swings where she pushed me and my other big-sisters.

Playing on swings, eating mushrooms, being lazy, and now I have a mushroom friend to do it with together…. This really is the life!

~~** Interlude | Somewhere Outside the Realm of Life and Death **~~

 

In what could be considered a mental reconstruction of what appeared to be a cavernous throne room, two formless beings manifested inside of it, as they had many times before.

“She gave you a mushroom, so you sent her that?”

“Correction. She gave us both mushrooms, and without wanting a single thing in return other than for us to enjoy how tasty they were.”

“…it was just a mushroom. You can find them anywhere you look in the damn world.”

“Elara, are you jealous that I have a child who loves me so?”

“Tch. Who’s jealous. And I have plenty of children who love me.”

“Like your little Saintess… or should I say my little Saintess.”

“Hmph. Say whatever you want. One of yours is now one of mine.”

“She prayed once, at a statue in the center of the town because she thought it might reach me, since I am next to you in that place.”

“I’m surprised you put up with that ugly… icon.”

“It’s adorable. My children made it for me out of love and respect. Why wouldn’t I like it?”

One of the formless beings manifested the idea of divine alcohol and some elegant glasses to drink it out of. It handed it over to the other one and toasted one-sidedly.

“I’ll trust you to keep an eye on that one living alone for me.”

“Why should I?”

“Tsk, tsk. Are we not being amicable with each other after so long?”

“…”

“It’s been how many thousands of years? We did it once, and we can do it again.”

One of the formless beings manifested the idea of a divinely embroidered dress which revealed much, and yet nothing, while being absolutely alluring to the senses of the other.

“Elara, Elara… not even an eternity can shake your beauty.”

“Hmph! You’ve sent a Huntress, Shaman, Bone Lord, Blood Druid, and with my help, a Saintess. What do you plan on sending next?”

“A Nightsmith, if I can get it right.”

“To the Orc?”

“She’s the most likely candidate.”

“What about the… fat goblin?”

“Which one? The maker or the… soon to be maker?”

“The daughter! Bad enough the Bone Lord and the Bloody Druid trespassed on Kamon’s domain. I bet you have something devious planned for that one, considering the helping hand you lent while he was…”

“Ah, I took care of Kamon already.”

“How? No. Wait… I don’t need to know. It can’t be anything good if it’s coming from you.”

“No? Kamon is quite interested in the skeleton.”

“Forget Kamon. The daughter. Tell me.”

“You don’t want to wait for the surprise?”

“You’re using all your divine pieces at once. I don’t expect you will stop now.”

“True. But you’ll just need to wait and see. It won’t be long, anyway.”

“It’s not the Hero, is it?”

“No. I’ll at least tell you that much. It’s not the Hero.”

“A Champion, then?”

“No. I’m thinking of returning that to the Old One. There is a loophole to allow it.”

“There is also Yx.”

“Would you have Yx involved more than they already are?”

“Then… are you preparing the Huntress to beget the Hero?”

One of the formless beings dissolved and vacated the mental reconstruction of the cavernous throne room.

“You coward! Don’t run away when I ask you an important question! Which one will beget the Hero!?”

The other formless being dissolved and with it, the mental reconstruction of the cavernous throne room once more blinked out of existence…