Autopsy of a Mind

Chapter 107: Adore You

I scrunched my brow in disbelief. What conversation was this. I turned to look wildly. No one had heard this declaration. 

Sebastian placed his fork down and stared at Harshit. "You. Stop embarrassing her. I know you enough to be sure that you told her to play with my heart!" 

I choked on the water I had tried to sip on to cool down. 

"Okay, I'm done with lunch. I'll take my leave." I stood up abruptly, my cheeks burning. Well, everything they said (apart from the whole sister-in-law thing) was true. I shouldn't be embarrassed. Maybe, I should pour out all my tension and kiss him so many times that it is no longer embarrassing to me. 

And talk to him like Harshit had mentioned. That seemed like a good idea.

I prepared for the class for the rest of lunch. Sebastian didn't come back and I guessed that he was trying to give me space. I was thankful for that. I found myself going through emails and answering questions rapidly despite how terribly busy my mind was with the images of intimacy with Sebastian. 

How was Sebastian more emotionally adept than me? Hadn't he appointed me for the sole purpose of helping him communicate with the world? 

Then a thought... a dangerous thought passed through my mind. 

What if... What if the only person with whom he truly communicated with, without barrier, was me. Because he was putting in a conscious effort to get to know me and place himself firmly in my life. When I thought back to the beginning I could almost laugh at this. When Alec interviewed me, he had remained hidden in the shadows, observing me. Thereafter, he had tried his best to keep his distance. Until the case. He had pervaded my life fully since then. Even when I didn't see him for months on end, I had sometimes thought about him and his proposal. And that eventful day when I saw him on campus as he walked out of the department... I remembered being dazzled. His hair bronze and shining in the piercing sunlight, his glasses pushed down his nose as he fixed it. It was the first time I saw him in perspective. 

As other people saw him. I still remember his eyes and how they glittered on seeing me. Had he liked me since then? 

Probably not. Maybe he admired me and saw worth in appointing me. 

When had he started liking me though? I wondered about it.

He had crept into my life and taken over so completely that I couldn't imagine it without him anymore. Now that my life was in multicolor, it would seem grey without him. 

I realized that I liked him. Liked him a lot. But I needed answers. 

The class flew by and we silently drove back to the complex. He walked me to my apartment, leaving me to my thoughts. When I entered my apartment, he remained outside the door. 

"You aren't coming in?" I asked, surprised. 

"No. You need time to think," he said softly and shrugged. I felt my heart skip a beat. 

"Will you answer a question?" I asked, almost pleading.

"Shoot."

"Since when did you like me?" I was so confused. 

"Shortly after you started working as my assistant. I had great admiration for you but when you said yes... I don't know when it started. But before I realized that I adored you, I was already in the middle of it." He smiled, the corner of his lips soft. 

Adore. That word was not like a violent proclamation of love. There was something soft about it that pleased the heart. It showed the willingness to wait and the respect he held for me. I knew the meaning of words, and the one he chose had pierced me completely. I would not be able to escape.

"If I knew how much I would love you when I met you, I would have fallen in love with you at first sight." I saw his hand curl into a fist as he tried to stop himself from something. My eyes felt hot but I pushed them back. 

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. I saw him open his mouth to speak but I stopped him short. "I am unable to commit to anything right now. It's my fault. I am not ready. But I like you, Sebastian. I really like you. While I cannot be in a relationship with you right now, I can tell you one thing. If I am entangled in a romantic relationship with anyone, it will be you. And no one else."

He hung his head, his knuckles turning white from the force of his restraint. I almost felt sorry for him.

"I don't believe I am capable of relationships and tenderness, but for you, I will fight to rediscover the confidence in myself." I stopped, my eyes locked on his fist. "Will you wait for me?" He didn't respond. "When I am better, will you do me the honor of going out for a cup of coffee for me?" I asked again. 

Fear crept through me. He would reject me, I was sure for a second. 

"Yes," he whispered. I sighed in relief, sagging against the door and leaning into it. 

"Are you holding yourself back?" I asked finally after a long moment of silence. 

"Yes," he said through gritted teeth. 

"Why?" I had to ask. 

"I am trying my best to wait for you and not force you into anything." That made sense. But I didn't want him to hold back. My, what a conflicted and toxic person I was. 

"Can't you stop holding back?" I asked. "I know... I am selfish. But I need confirmation that you like me. I am pathetic." I screwed my eyes tightly shut to keep from saying more. I felt the brush of his lips against mine within a fraction of a second. My breath rushed out through my nose with the shudder that went through my body. Trapped between the door and the warmth of his body, I felt safe. 

'Thank you,' I chanted in my mind. Under the glow of his affection, I felt invulnerable. Something I had not felt in years. It was not an unpleasant feeling.

At least, he was not holding back any longer.